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How to Shower Like A . . .

 

WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper, according to lights and darks.

 

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

 

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so you can complain and whine even more about how fat you’re getting.

 

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

 

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

 

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

 

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.

 

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.

 

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash.

 

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes 15 minutes as you must make sure it has come all off.)

 

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

 

12. Scream loudly whenever your husband/boyfriend flushes the toilet and you lose water pressure.

 

13. Turn off shower.

 

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

 

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbant second towel.

 

16. Check body for remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

 

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown on and towel on head.

 

18. If you see your husband/boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting ready. You really want to look nice.

 

 

MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

 

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife/girlfriend along the way, flash her making the “woo” sound.

 

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your little friend in the mirror, scratch your crotch and smell your fingers one last time before showering.

 

4. Get in the shower.

 

5. Don’t bother looking for a facecloth (you don’t use one.)

 

6. Wash your face.

 

7. Wash your armpits.

 

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

 

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

 

10. Wash your butt last, leaving hair on the soap bar.

 

11. Shampoo your hair (you do not use conditioner).

 

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

 

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

 

14. Pee (in the shower).

 

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you let the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.

 

16. Partially dry off.

 

17. Look at your self in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire again the size of your little friend.

 

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

 

19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.

 

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, flash her again and say, “Yeah baby.”

 

21. Throw wet towel on bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. You look good enough.

 

January 2, 2005 By
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