Life in General

Weight Issues

August 17, 2014

I still haven’t step on the scale. It has been 2 weeks and I’m a bit scared to see what I actually weigh after not monitoring it for the entire amount of time. This is the longest I have gone without checking my weight. I think I’m going to wait another week and check it on Monday August 25. I so wish I didn’t have these weight/food issues. I would love to be able to eat whatever I want without gaining any weight or even feeling guilty about it.

When I was at my lowest weight (148 pounds) a few years ago, I didn’t enjoy it. I just kept thinking about how fat I was, how disgusting I looked. Now, I would give my left nut to be that weight. I would enjoy it. I would buy and wear those cute clothes that I refuse to wear now because I look like shit in them. I would flaunt around a bit (not much) and be happy with my body. Instead of feeling like I’m not good enough.

Le Sigh.

Maybe one day I can finally get back down to that weight. I am trying. I truly am. But it doesn’t seem like enough.

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9 Comments

  • Reply Dez August 17, 2014 at 6:00 pm

    Sometimes I miss being obese. Sure I worried about my weight and was. But unhappy, but I was able to enjoy food without the guilt that plagues me now. If I gained weight I shrugged and tried again. These days any increase is hard to swallow and ruins my entire day. I too wish I didn’t have the food issues. They are not fun. Hopefully one day we will both be rid of them.

    • Reply Jenn August 18, 2014 at 8:09 am

      ^ I echo pretty much what Dez said. Also, I feel like no matter how much weight I’ll lose, I’ll never be happy, and will always be overly critical. Boo.

  • Reply Kat August 18, 2014 at 9:00 am

    I have to say that I completely agree with Dez and I’ve said the exact same thing before myself. When I was 220lbs, I ate whatever and whenever I wanted. I didn’t think anything of it. I just ate when I was hungry…or not hungry. Now, at 118lbs, I obsess completely over everything that I put into my mouth. I check calorie counts like a crazy person and I don’t enjoy food as much as I used to. I don’t normally order what I really want in restaurants because it has too many calories. And, I’m also not entirely happy with my body. I can’t wear a bikini like those commercials say because excess skin is just plain gross and I have it all over me!

    I keep thinking to myself if I get thinner, I’ll finally be happy. I said that when I was 180…then when I was 160….then when I was 130…and here I am (okay, I’m pregnant now…) at 120lbs and after I have my baby, I would love to get down to 110lbs. Weight is a sick, sick obsession…whether you’re bigger or thinner. I think the key to being happy with your weight is to just let it be what it will be. Sure, it’s not healthy to be big and I remember hating the way I felt when I was 220lbs, but there are problems I deal with now that I never dealt with when I was larger and sometimes I miss feeling “normal” and “care-free”.

    Just do what makes you happy. If getting back down to 140 is what’ll make you happy, then go for it and don’t be afraid of the scale! The number on the scale can and will change, it’s not a permanent number. Just try not to put too much pressure on yourself. When I was losing weight, I actually found that I enjoyed the journey more than the destination…if that makes sense…

  • Reply Kat August 18, 2014 at 10:37 am

    Ohh, sorry I’m annoying you with comments. But before you weigh yourself, maybe try writing down what you might feel if you gain/lose/stay the same weight. Way back when I only weighed myself weekly, I always used to get panicky the day before I weighed myself because I wasn’t sure if I would gain. The night before, I’d write down three categories: If I Lose Weight, If I Gain Weight and If I Stay the Same Weight. Then, I would write down in each category how I think I’d feel if I either gained, lost or stayed the same. After that, I would write down little reasons why I might have gained or lost weight…and that helped me to keep on with my goals.

    For example, my one category would be:

    If I gain weight this week:
    It could be because I overeat a few nights at dinner. I didn’t exercise enough or I added in strength training (which sometimes makes you gain muscle).

    And then if I stepped on the scale and DID gain weight, I kinda already knew why and how I could change it. Maybe don’t overeat at dinner or try to go with lower-cal options. Strength training might have to be done less to prevent too much muscle gain, etc, etc.

    Hope this helped 🙂 Give yourself (or write down) a little pep talk before getting on the scale and you’ll already feel prepared for what might show up.

  • Reply Carolynne August 18, 2014 at 9:54 pm

    You’re speaking to my heart woman. I wish I didn’t have weight issues either. it would be so nice to be one of those people. You are doing fantastic. Just no that no matter what, you are a beautiful person 😀

  • Reply Keeshia August 21, 2014 at 3:27 am

    I’m currently taking full advantage of my hormonal changes from being pregnant to shed a few pounds. But before now it was a real pain to lose weight – only my issue is the opposite. I tend not to eat enough and what I do it isn’t the best choices mostly. That and almost all my weight gain can be attributed to stressing out – which is when I pretty much don’t eat anything at all so my body freaks out and starts storing fat it seems. 

    Weight issues are a real pain and are never fun to deal with. At this point though I just make peace with trying to very gradually lose weight and be active – and I pay closer attention to how my body looks and feels versus that hideous number on the scale.

  • Reply Sam August 21, 2014 at 8:39 am

    You’re definitely inside of my head right now with everything you’ve said in this post. Seriously. I was the SAME way when I weighted 155 lbs, and I weighed that for the longest time up until I got pregnant with my daughter years ago. I thought I was gross, ugly and fat, but these days, I would kill to be that weight again. I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted, and my mom jokingly would laugh and say, “that’s going to your thighs one day.” We would laugh about it, then it happened to me. It actually happened to her, too, right before the divorce from my dad, but she lost a lot of weight during the divorce and got this killer body (not to sound weird, but she finally got the body she wanted!). 

    Anyway, I think one day you will reach your goal weight, your ideal weight. I guess you just have to find the best way for YOU to lose the pounds, you know? Everyone loses weight differently. I wish you the best of luck with this <3

  • Reply Arlene August 22, 2014 at 10:20 am

    I completely understand how you feel. Scales are evil. I’ve been trying to loose weight for awhile now and it’s been a tough battle. I love food, and I have a sweet tooth. It seems like all my friends are doing that herbal life and dropping the weight, but I currently can’t afford it so it’s going to have to be the old fashioned way for me. It’s hard and frustrating we just have to keep trying and I’m sure we will both get there someday.

  • Reply Kirsten August 27, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    I have struggled with my weight for years. I am 5’1 and 190lbs right now and it is the biggest I have been in over 5 years. I hate it! I can definitely feel for what you are going through right now. Every time I eat I have a constant battle with myself over if I should eat it, why I should eat it, if I really need it, what it is doing to me, etc. I get depressed and angry and frustrated with myself. I honestly don’t blog about it much but I still have the feelings. I think back to when I was smaller and I obsess about how I got there. I lost almost 100lbs 5 years ago, from 220 to 125 and it kills me to think that I am almost back to the 220. I sort of agree with some people saying do what makes you happy, but I also think that being healthy is important too.

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