Life in General

Still Haven’t Decided

February 21, 2015

*This post is rather long, may be full of typos (because it can be a bit emotional for me) and is a little all over the place. You have been warned.*

That big decision that I was suppose to decide by the end of January… yeah, I’m still on the fence. But since Mike and I spoke to our parents about what we were considering, I might as well tell y’all.

We are thinking about trying to have another kid. Mike has always wanted to have another kid, but I’m not a baby person. Once they reach 8 months old, I’m fine with them. But the whole pregnancy and baby thing is not something that I like.

I keep going back and forth on the issue. On one hand, I don’t want to start over. Raven will be leaving for college in the fall and if we had another kid it would really be starting over from scratch. But then on the other hand, I like the idea of being able to do things that we were not able to do with Raven because of our situation (being teenagers, living with our parents, et cetera).

Also, I’m worried that I won’t be able to do it. I have very little energy (I have severe iron deficiency, have had it since I was born, so that means I have zero energy and live off caffeine and my prescription iron supplements just to get me through the day) and honestly don’t know if I can handle having another kid. And that scares the shit out of me because it’s not like I can return the kid if I find out I cannot deal with it.

I am also worried how a baby would effect Jedi and Nefarian. I think Nefarian would handle it just fine, but Jedi doesn’t like little kids and stays away from them at all costs. And since my cats are a huge part of my life, it’s only natural that I would consider them in the decision. And there is no way in hell I am giving up my cats, kicking them outside or confining them to a room. I would rather lay down and die than give them up or harm them in anyway.

And, when it comes to pregnancy and babies, I still have that same mindset as my scared 16-year old self. Seriously, I am so worried that if I would get pregnant, my parents would yell at me or something. I am a married, almost 35 year old who owns her own home and has a 17 year old daughter. Yet I’m still worried that my parents would get pissed or try to ground me if I got pregnant. I don’t think it helps the fact that when I told my Mom what Mike and I were discussing she flip her shit and spent 20 minutes on the phone shaming me for even considering it. Yeah, that was completely unexpected. Especially since I don’t ask my Mom for shit and me and Mike raised Raven on our own and she turned out pretty damn well. I ended up spending the next few hours crying my eyes out because of that. My Mom even went as far as to say I wasn’t thinking about Raven or my cats. The funny thing is, Raven has known almost from the beginning that we were considering trying to have another child. She said she doesn’t care one way or another. And we have made it clear that another kid wouldn’t be replacing her, nor would it take over her room. And I consider my two cats in everything I do. They are my babies, always will be, and the only thing that comes before them is Raven. So for my mom to accuse me of not thinking about them is a huge insult to me. Thankfully, my awesome Stepmom said that her and my Dad would support us no matter what our decision.

On the plus side, however, I would like to raise another cat-loving geek. And it would be completely different than the last time since we are no longer teenagers living with our parents. We are responsible adults with our own home, jobs and all that other stuff. And Mike and I already have the names picked out for both a girl and a boy. A guarantee that we would have a boy would increase my desire to have another kid. We already have a girl (full of talent, intelligence and beauty), and it would be nice to have one of each.

The funny thing is, I have being debating this issue seriously for over a year, yet I see women on my Facebook feed who — after dating a guy for a few weeks — announce they are trying to conceive. It’s like, really? Mike and I have know each other since we were 5 years old and have been together as a couple for going on 20 years, and I put more thought into what to eat for breakfast then some people do on whether or not to have a baby.

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6 Comments

  • Reply Shannon February 21, 2015 at 9:38 pm

    You two are married, responsible adults with your priorities in order. I do not see why anyone would have an issue with you guys making plans to have another child. At the very least, you are considering every angle and aspect. Besides, it doesn’t matter how anyone else feels about it. That is your family & you guys are able to do whatever it is that you desire. I don’t think there is ANYTHING at all wrong with you and your husband planning to have a child in a STABLE environment. Screw what anyone else says.

  • Reply Ang February 22, 2015 at 4:41 am

    Your fears are understandable given what you’ve been through so I can definitely understand the hesitance. In fact, I second guess having kids because we are both older and I worried I wouldn’t be able to handle it but I figured, who the hell is able to handle a baby that wakes up at all hours of the night demanding food and to be changed? I do, definitely understand not wanting to start over. I made it clear if we only had 1 the first go around, if we were going to have a second it would have to be 2-3 years apart and no more. One and done is the way I see it, lol.

    As for as the cats, I am like that with my animals. When we first started even the whisper about having kids, my sister asked if we would get rid of the cats. I said absolutely not. My dad also asked if we’d get rid of our Pit Bull, I said why? I guess people don’t understand how much of extension our animals are of ourselves. Also for your cat that doesn’t like kids, he/she (sorry wasn’t sure on gender) may surprise you. I have a friend who’s oldest cat is a bitch (to put it lightly) and is not very tolerant but she bonded immediately to the baby; this could happen for you especially since you’d be carrying the child and animals can sense you are pregnant and it’s your blood.

    As for your mom, I know this is probably easier said than done, but I would ignore her. You can’t be around people or count on people who won’t be supportive. Ultimately ,it is YOUR decision and YOUR life. Either way, whatever you decide, I’m sure it will be the right then for you and Mike.

    Good luck!

  • Reply Arlene February 22, 2015 at 2:37 pm

    It’s a big decision. But it’s yours and your husbands decision. If others don’t like your decision well that’s their problem not yours. Life’s to short to live it for other people.

    Animals are different with kids that are raised with them. They learn to adjust, and it’s not like you’ll have a hyper 5 year old the moment you come home. It’s a gradual change for them.

    What ever you decide it will all be OK. 🙂

  • Reply Kat February 23, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    It’s perfectly normal to take as long as you need for it to make a decision on this. It’s also incredibly responsible of you to be putting this much thought into making this decision! This type of stuff doesn’t happen every day where a person actually contemplates what’s best for them, their current family and the future child.

    As for your mom, you and Mike’s decision is completely your own. Some parents still see their kids as being kids/teens, so she may still have it in her head that you’re a teenager..which is definitely not true. As for a baby replacing Raven, that doesn’t make sense because they would be two different human beings with their own unique personalities. The age gap shouldn’t make a difference. My mom has said something similar to me about age gaps; basically saying that if hubby and I wanted another kid, we should try to space them evenly enough apart to where there’s not a huge age gap. And me, sitting here right now 40 weeks pregnant, cannot imagine being in this situation again a year or two from now just so my kids are a year or two apart. Screw that!

    As far as whether or not you can handle a kid, that’s something that you unfortunately wouldn’t be able to know until it comes down to it. Sometimes I question the exact same thing…since I can be quite a hermit who doesn’t do very much and now will have a very active baby and child who needs constant care.

    Also, I’ve had tons of people asking me “what are you gonna do with the cats after the baby’s born?” and it’s almost like they’re expecting me to say something along the lines of “kill them, of course.” . But seriously, I’ve gotten so many people asking me that question asking what I planned on doing with the cats. Our cats are our family members and stay here, whether there’s a new addition or not. They will adjust to the baby and the baby will have to adjust to them. It’s that simple. But it’s good you’re taking your kitties into consideration on what they might like or might not like with a baby.

    As I’ve said before, the ultimate and final decision is completely up to you…you may never even come to a decision, which is perfectly fine as well. Pregnancy is scary and the idea of childbirth is scary…and having a baby is scary. It’s all freakin scary. Only you can decide what’s best for you, Mike, Raven and the furbabies. Don’t feel like you have to rush.

    • Reply Jaxon March 8, 2017 at 1:55 pm

      Susrnipirg to think of something like that

  • Reply Carolynne March 8, 2015 at 7:51 pm

    Wow, yes this is a HUGE decision. I am very happy that you have been taking so much time to come to a verdict. I don’t really know if I can give any advice or not, but I’d like to weigh in with my opinion, if that’s okay. It is a very very personal decision and not to be taken lightly.

    I think that you are Mike are definitely in a great position to have a baby. It is amazing what our bodies can handle once a little baby comes into our lives. They are first priority and we have that mother instinct and energy that keeps us going. Our bodies are MADE to raise children. There is no way the baby would replace Raven or your fur babies! Your life and heart will just stretch a little bit to make more room for another important thing to love. The kitties will adapt and warm up to baby, I’m sure of it. It’s amazing how protective they will be. It’s instinct. I feel as if your house will be very lonely come Fall when Raven leaves 🙁 You might want something to distract you from how much you miss her while she’s at college. Like you said, baby won’t replace Raven, but merely be another love in your life. There is no such thing as too much love:)

    Good luck with your decision and I look forward to hearing more from you, no matter what you decide to do!

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