Month: August 2014

Just A Bunch of Ramblings

Posted on by

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. Knowing I’m not the only one experiencing these feelings does help a bit. I also want to thank Kat for all her tips, which I will surely use in the future. This coming Monday I will be stepping, hesitantly of course, back on the scale. To say I won’t be scared/nervous would be a lie. I am actually terrified of the prospect of checking my weight and possibly seeing the number higher then I expected.

Ugh.

Anyway, I have caught the Autumn/Halloween bug. Last year, despite my lifelong love with Halloween, I just couldn’t get in the mood. This year is so much different. I have pinned all things Halloween on Pinterest and want to start decorating and baking everything Autumn and Halloween! Which is a bit odd because I feel less happy this year than last year. Last year around the same time, I felt like my life was under control and everything was looking up. This year, not so much. Things have just spiraled a little out of control, and I’m not confident in the things that I was starting to feel secure in. And the scariest part is that I don’t know if I will be able to get a handle on things. Or even if I really want to. Some days, it just seems so much easier to just let go then to try to fight.

Weight Issues

Posted on by

I still haven’t step on the scale. It has been 2 weeks and I’m a bit scared to see what I actually weigh after not monitoring it for the entire amount of time. This is the longest I have gone without checking my weight. I think I’m going to wait another week and check it on Monday August 25. I so wish I didn’t have these weight/food issues. I would love to be able to eat whatever I want without gaining any weight or even feeling guilty about it.

When I was at my lowest weight (148 pounds) a few years ago, I didn’t enjoy it. I just kept thinking about how fat I was, how disgusting I looked. Now, I would give my left nut to be that weight. I would enjoy it. I would buy and wear those cute clothes that I refuse to wear now because I look like shit in them. I would flaunt around a bit (not much) and be happy with my body. Instead of feeling like I’m not good enough.

Le Sigh.

Maybe one day I can finally get back down to that weight. I am trying. I truly am. But it doesn’t seem like enough.

The Last First Day of School

Posted on by

So today is Raven’s last first day of school. Of course there are going to be a few more first days in the future for college, but that’s not really the same. She has four different art classes this year (including AP art), which she is excited about since she is an artist and she is planning on majoring in Studio Art in college. Anyway, I didn’t take a picture in the morning before she left, but I did snap a few (despite or dislike for it) when she got off the bus.

I asked her how her first day was and she, of course, answered horrible as usually. She would much rather stay home and do her own thing then spend the day at school. But at least she has made straight A’s her entire school career (except for 1 B in Spanish when she was in middle school).

So Far So Good

Posted on by

So, it’s now Friday morning and I have – so far – resisted the major urge to step on the scale. But despite the pull to check my weight, I feel pretty good. I think my face looks less bloated, or at least it seems that way to me. I have been avoiding snacking when I’m simply bored, which I tend to do a lot, and have increased the amount of exercising I do. Along with a short kickboxing routine, I have been trying to increase my steps to 10,000 a day. Despite those possibly positive aspects, I’m a bit worried about stepping back on the scale Monday morning. What if there is a gain? Then the little bit of positive feelings I have will go straight out the window. So there’s that.

Besides all the weight issues, I’m just trying to prepare for Raven’s last year of high school. Her first day of school is this coming Thursday. She has already gotten her senior vaccinations last week but still no new glasses. No place will take our new insurance that we were forced to get because of Obamacare. However, if nothing else, we will just pay out of pocket for the exam and glasses.

We also have to finish school supply/clothing shopping. We got most of the school clothing shopping done, but I would like for her to get a few more shirts and a new pair of shoes.

What about you? Are you ready for the upcoming school season?

Don’t Step on the Scale

Posted on by

I am one of those people that immediately (after using the bathroom) weighs themselves every morning. In fact, I usually periodically weigh myself throughout the day. I know this is ridiculous and a big no-no since your weight fluctuates, but I just have an urge to step on the scale. Usually I feel horrible afterwards but sometimes, on those rare occasions when my weight drops a pound or two, I get ecstatic.

But this week it’s going to be different. I have vowed not to step on the scale until this coming Monday. And while I do still have the strong urge, I haven’t weighed myself since Saturday morning! Instead of focusing on a number this week, I’m going to focus on trying to make the right choices (no, I don’t need to grab a snack just because I’m bored) and exercising a bit more.

The exercising is difficult for me at the moment because I have just been feeling extremely tired. It’s not uncommon for me to be tired since I have iron deficiency anemia (had it since I was born, my body cannot hold on to iron like it should so I have like no iron in my body at all, which means I am always tired and could become jaundice and require a blood transfusion), but this past month it seems like I am even more tired than normal. No matter how much sleep I get, I am just worn out. But I’m trying to push through the tiredness and up the amount of movement I do during the day.